From the desk of Bruce Willis...

Hi guys, 

My name is Bruce, but you guys can call me Mr Willis.

A lot of people look at me and wonder how I can possibly keep such a muscular physique in between my movies and LED Balloon column writing commitments. And to those people I say it’s none of your goddamn business, because I believe in keeping an element of privacy in my own life. Seriously guys, there are just some things that you don’t need to know.

But I was thinking about this the other day and I was like, “Seriously Bruce, maybe you should just tell all your fans on LED Balloon your fitness training secrets. Because you do write this column as a means of sharing your knowledge with the world and promoting your movies, so it would probably be a great topic to write about. And even if it doesn’t turn out so well at least you tried.”

Okay guys, so I like decided to make my fitness schedule the topic of this blog, even though I didn’t really want to but whatever, I guess you just can’t help yourself sometimes. Seriously, it’s kind of funny the different sort of turns your mind takes when you’re writing these things.

And I was thinking about it the other day and you know what, it’s not just to do with what I’m doing to exercise. It’s also got something to do with what I have to eat. Like, I couldn’t have a Meatball Sub every meal of every day and still expect to look good in a Speedo (even though I wear board shorts!).

By the way, do you guys wear rash vests? I wear rash vests only when it’s really hot in summer and I can’t be bothered putting sunscreen on my body, because sometimes it’s a total hassle, you know? Anyway, whenever I’m wearing a rash vest and board shorts at the same time I look as though I’m going into swim in clothes! Which is like totally weird.

Anyway guys I have to go, but seriously I will get back to you at some stage soon.

XOXO

Bruce Willis

Masterchef Contestant a Cannibal

In news that is sure to shock fans of the series, a recently eliminated contestant of the reality television show Masterchef has been outed as a cannibal.

The culinary persuasion of Wade Drummond, a 28 year old commercial labourer from WA, was revealed when footage of him trying to gnaw through judge Matt Preston's thigh was leaked on one of the show's fan-sites. 

Preston’s fellow judges George Calombaris and Gary Mehigan acted quickly, prising Drummond's vice-like jaws apart with a set of tongs before knocking him unconscious with a mallet and escorting him from the premises. The episode was subject to some major editing. 


"Yes, I am pretty disappointed to be eliminated, particularly under these circumstances," said Drummond from his holding cell. "But I just couldn't resist. Before the judging one of the assistants had spilt a little bit of oregano on Matt's leg, lightly seasoning it. And he was just sitting there, sweating, waiting to be eaten."


Rumours persist that the shows producers were well aware of Drummond's particular perversion, and looking to incorporate it into some sort of pressure test scenario. 


"I can neither confirm nor deny," said one producer, wishing to remain anonymous. "But it certainly would've made for some good television. Image, each contestant facing off in some sort of battle royale – the victor becoming the chef, the loser becoming the dish! Think of the ratings!"


As cannibalism is illegal in Australia, Drummond's immediate outlook seems to be pretty bleak, but he’s remaining philosophical. 

"To be honest if I had my time over I probably would've done the same thing. You can only look at something that delicious (Preston) for so long without eating it. I'm not superman!"

LBAP

M*A*S*H airs in North Korea

In what has been described by many as a major coup for democracy in the region, an episode of popular television sitcom M*A*S*H aired in North Korea last night, attracting an audience of roughly 27 people.

The episode aired at 2:00am, replacing the reasonably popular Cooking Dear Leader, a confusing Masterchef-like reality show in which contestants are ranked on their ability to cook and eat sponge cakes resembling current supreme leader Kim Jong-un.

Critical reception has so far been mixed. While some have praised the show for its bright colours, others have panned it because of a lack of sponge cake related content.

“While M*A*S*H fails to have the qualities of Cooking Dear Leader, there is still something to be said for its unique depiction of a period of history,” said North Korean television critic Kwan Hi Sung. “Still, I hope in the next episode there will be some baking.”

Some critics have suggested that the show might fail due to significant alteration. Much of the dialogue has been redubbed to reflect pro-North Korean sentiments, rendering the original plotline in which Hawkeye urinated in a vat of morphine as a joke, largely indecipherable.

Alan Alda was not available for comment, but a street urchin bearing a slight resemblance claiming to be Mr Alda’s nephew had this to say: “You got any change dude?”

LBAP

From the desk of Bruce Willis...

Man, I’m so pumped for Mother’s Day 2013. I’ve got the date marked on the calendar and I’m counting down the sleeps! Why? Well, it just so happens that I’ve got a seriously major gift lined up.

Normally I go with something pretty generic – flowers, chocolates, that sort of thing. But this year it’s going to be a little bit different. This year I’m going to say, “I love you Ma,” with a piece of designer lingerie.

Oh yeah, Mom is gonna be psyched! Let’s just say I’ve spend more than a little bit of time rifling through the old girl’s underwear drawer, so I know she’s ready for an upgrade. And, because I’m so accustomed to her measurements, picking out a size that complements her features whilst providing an adequate level of support should be an absolute cinch!

Asides from adding a little spice to the bedroom proceedings, a nice piece of lingerie can act as the perfect confidence-booster for a woman of my mother’s age and experience. It’ll be so awesome to see her turn heads as she saunters down the street with the confident strut that comes from knowing she’s wearing a beautiful pair of underwear – I can’t wait!

Certain friends have suggested that my decision is a little weird, but I attribute that to their ignorant minds more than anything else. To be honest, if there’s a better way to say, “I love and appreciate you” to the woman who brought you into this world that a nice piece of lingerie then I don’t really want to know about it.

And just quietly, I think my status as favourite son is pretty safe from here.

Yours sincerely,

Bruce Willis

Man undergoes medical procedure to look like video game avatar

"To be honest, during the procedure I was a bit worried about the whole thing. Then I saw my reflection and I was a lot worried."

Unfortunately Harvey Alderman is not a singular case. In fact, the twenty-two year old former accounting student is just one name in an every-increasing list of youths affected by the disturbing trend that is gripping the nation -- video gamers undergoing intense and often experimental cosmetic procedures as a means of making themselves look like the avatars in their video games.

Mr Alderman has had a month to reflect on the procedure he took to turn his features into those of his avatar from the game World of Warcraft (WoW) -- a level 45 spell-casting orc.

"Why? It's pretty simple really," said Mr Alderman. "I really like playing WoW, but I always felt like something was missing. After much consideration I came to the conclusion that the only way I could possibly make it better was to put myself in the game somehow. I spent weeks in the design-a-character mode trying to get my character to match my features but no matter what I did it just didn't look right. Then I though to myself -- maybe I'm going about this the wrong way. Maybe the solution isn't so much trying to make the character look like me, but maybe it should be making me look like the character."

This trail of though prompted Mr Alderman quit to his casual job, apply for a leave of absence from his studies, empty his saving account and booking himself into Third Dimension Cosmetics (a facility specialising in such procedures) ordering the works. Doctor Hermes Strauss presided over the surgery.

"Yes, yes, the orc-procedure is a very popular one. We dye the skin until it's a very healthy green, extend two of the bottom canines so they look a little more like talons, realign the skull so there is this nice protrusions then remodel the ears to give them that desirable elfish look," said Doctor Strauss. "Oh yes, we're fully accredited."

Mr Alderman claims it is too early to tell whether or not the surgery has enhanced his gaming experience.

"Well, if I'm being completely honest I'm not 100 per cent on the changes at this stage. It's pretty hard to eat, and breath and walk around anywhere. But I imagine I'll get used to them eventually."

"I don't know, I was under the impression that it'd be pretty easy to change my face back if I didn't really like the way it looked, but apparently that's not the case. Oh well. You live and learn."

LBAP

From the desk of Bruce Willis...

A lot of people wonder what a big action star like me does in his spare time. Well, when I’m not pumping iron at the gym or all up in the club watching Aston Kutcher grind dance with my ex-wife, I’m likely to be found at the local library, bashing the hell out of nerds.

There’s nothing I like more than a nerd beating – it scratches me right in the specific spot I itch – but the thing is there are some people out there who have a tendency to take it the wrong way. They say, “Bruce, you’re this big, muscular, sexy, intelligent, altruistic, all-knowing, benevolent Hollywood action man. You shouldn’t be spending all your time beating up nerds. You should be picking on people your own size, power, wealth and intelligence.”

But what it is that they’ve got to understand is that I’ve spent a career in Hollywood laying the smackdown on stuntmen of all shapes and sizes, some of them literal man-mountains, some of them just pretty tall, so it’s nice for me to get in a fight with someone that you know is going to go down when you give them a roundhouse kick to the face.

I do do most of my nerd beating at the local library. I find this is the best place to find nerds and you get a bit of variety. You get the book nerds, you get a few computer nerds, and there’s always the other nerds whose interests lie in separate area but hang around for the nerd-comradeship. This can take as little as half an hour, as long as half a day – it all depends on things like what time you show up and is it a weekday or is sunny outside or is the library even open. Most of the time there’s at least four of five nerds hanging around and it’s just a matter of flushing them out and provoking them into conflict.

Usually when I’m through with the beating I hang back for a bit. And it was doing this very thing that at the particular library I go to that let me in on this great deal that I'd like to tell you about. Get this – for a small fee, only about forty bucks, they give you this card that, so long as you eventually return them, allows you to borrow as many books as you’d like.

Think about this for a moment. Books these days are pretty damn expensive. How many times have you bought a book home, read it, and then never touched it again? All you wanted was a little something to read, but now you’ve got this big, bulky thing that you're never going to use again, that cost you about forty bucks and that you’ve now somehow got to find space for.

Okay, so you buy a bookshelf. But what happens when you fill that bookshelf with books? You buy another bookshelf. But what happens when you fill that bookshelf with books? Don’t you see how you’re falling into this vicious cycle in which there’s no way that you can wind up as the winner, in which there’s no way you’ll have a wall in your house that isn’t covered from floor to ceiling with bookshelves full of books, in which you feel like killing your wife, your friends, your children, anyone – whose death can make the pain go away.

That’s where the library comes in. You go in there, you show your card, and you're allowed to get as many books as you like. You don’t keep these books – once you’re done reading you return them. But, if you want to grab some more, you're allowed to grab some more. They’ll tell you how long you have the book for and you have to return it in the allotted time, but if you haven’t had a chance to finish don't worry. Often, so long as no one else is after that book you're reading they’ll let you renew your loan so you have a bit more time. So long as you keep abiding by the rules they’ll keep letting you borrow.

All you need is a little area to be your sort of temporary book space. I’ve taped off a section of the den, next to my trophy cabinet. And it means I don’t have to build fifty different bookshelves and I don’t have to make that annoying trip down to the bookstore and I’m saving a tonne of money.

There aren't a lot of things in life that I’m entirely sure about. But I am sure that this really is a great deal, and I encourage all of you to at least give it a go. Yippee ki-yay motherfuckers.

Yours sincerely,

Bruce Willis

Square Dance A Success: Organisers

Waterloo - Organisers of the fifteenth annual Sydney City Square Dance Collective Square Dance have touted the event a rousing success, despite a bout of food poisoning claiming the lives of 28 attendees.

"Seriously, how many square dances have you been to without a body count?" said SCSDC director Morris Wellborne. "That's right, not too many. It all comes with the territory. This shit is real. Why do you think it's always such a struggle for us to get people to show up to these things?"

The food poisoning has been traced back to a batch of undercooked fish sticks that were being served as appetisers. Chief executive offer of Fishy Pete's Seafood Stix (sic) Hershel Hetherington refused to accept blame when confronted by the press with news of the tragedy.

"What the hell is the SCSDC? Square dancing? Okay, and so they ate some of our fish sticks that were undercooked, is that what went wrong? Christ...fucking journos...you know I'm a busy man. I really don't have time for this sort of thing."

Mr Wellborne responded to these comments by flagging his intention to take Fishy Pete's to court.

"I'll tell you one thing, this is the last time I let Fishy Pete ruin one of my square dances," said Mr Wellborne. "He's going to pay alright, especially for what he did to my dog, Grover. Poor little guy, ate one of those poisonous fish sticks and it made him so sick and insensible and disorientated that he couldn't even notice my car reversing into him."

Grover was unavailable for comment.

LBAP