Masterchef Contestant a Cannibal

In news that is sure to shock fans of the series, a recently eliminated contestant of the reality television show Masterchef has been outed as a cannibal.

The culinary persuasion of Wade Drummond, a 28 year old commercial labourer from WA, was revealed when footage of him trying to gnaw through judge Matt Preston's thigh was leaked on one of the show's fan-sites. 

Preston’s fellow judges George Calombaris and Gary Mehigan acted quickly, prising Drummond's vice-like jaws apart with a set of tongs before knocking him unconscious with a mallet and escorting him from the premises. The episode was subject to some major editing. 


"Yes, I am pretty disappointed to be eliminated, particularly under these circumstances," said Drummond from his holding cell. "But I just couldn't resist. Before the judging one of the assistants had spilt a little bit of oregano on Matt's leg, lightly seasoning it. And he was just sitting there, sweating, waiting to be eaten."


Rumours persist that the shows producers were well aware of Drummond's particular perversion, and looking to incorporate it into some sort of pressure test scenario. 


"I can neither confirm nor deny," said one producer, wishing to remain anonymous. "But it certainly would've made for some good television. Image, each contestant facing off in some sort of battle royale – the victor becoming the chef, the loser becoming the dish! Think of the ratings!"


As cannibalism is illegal in Australia, Drummond's immediate outlook seems to be pretty bleak, but he’s remaining philosophical. 

"To be honest if I had my time over I probably would've done the same thing. You can only look at something that delicious (Preston) for so long without eating it. I'm not superman!"

LBAP

M*A*S*H airs in North Korea

In what has been described by many as a major coup for democracy in the region, an episode of popular television sitcom M*A*S*H aired in North Korea last night, attracting an audience of roughly 27 people.

The episode aired at 2:00am, replacing the reasonably popular Cooking Dear Leader, a confusing Masterchef-like reality show in which contestants are ranked on their ability to cook and eat sponge cakes resembling current supreme leader Kim Jong-un.

Critical reception has so far been mixed. While some have praised the show for its bright colours, others have panned it because of a lack of sponge cake related content.

“While M*A*S*H fails to have the qualities of Cooking Dear Leader, there is still something to be said for its unique depiction of a period of history,” said North Korean television critic Kwan Hi Sung. “Still, I hope in the next episode there will be some baking.”

Some critics have suggested that the show might fail due to significant alteration. Much of the dialogue has been redubbed to reflect pro-North Korean sentiments, rendering the original plotline in which Hawkeye urinated in a vat of morphine as a joke, largely indecipherable.

Alan Alda was not available for comment, but a street urchin bearing a slight resemblance claiming to be Mr Alda’s nephew had this to say: “You got any change dude?”

LBAP

From the desk of Bruce Willis...

Man, I’m so pumped for Mother’s Day 2013. I’ve got the date marked on the calendar and I’m counting down the sleeps! Why? Well, it just so happens that I’ve got a seriously major gift lined up.

Normally I go with something pretty generic – flowers, chocolates, that sort of thing. But this year it’s going to be a little bit different. This year I’m going to say, “I love you Ma,” with a piece of designer lingerie.

Oh yeah, Mom is gonna be psyched! Let’s just say I’ve spend more than a little bit of time rifling through the old girl’s underwear drawer, so I know she’s ready for an upgrade. And, because I’m so accustomed to her measurements, picking out a size that complements her features whilst providing an adequate level of support should be an absolute cinch!

Asides from adding a little spice to the bedroom proceedings, a nice piece of lingerie can act as the perfect confidence-booster for a woman of my mother’s age and experience. It’ll be so awesome to see her turn heads as she saunters down the street with the confident strut that comes from knowing she’s wearing a beautiful pair of underwear – I can’t wait!

Certain friends have suggested that my decision is a little weird, but I attribute that to their ignorant minds more than anything else. To be honest, if there’s a better way to say, “I love and appreciate you” to the woman who brought you into this world that a nice piece of lingerie then I don’t really want to know about it.

And just quietly, I think my status as favourite son is pretty safe from here.

Yours sincerely,

Bruce Willis